People are not very supportive of my marital separation. They’re not happy for me if things get better
Sometimes I hear from people who are receiving hurtful comments from those who are supposed to “support” them during their marital separation. Sometimes this so-called support comes from friends or family. It can even come from the “support group” you joined specifically to feel elevated during your breakup, which can be incredibly disappointing. Someone might say, “I really didn’t want to burden my family, friends, or coworkers with details about my separation. They know I’m separated, but I just don’t want to hear people’s personal opinions about my husband or my marriage. I hope to reconcile. and I don’t want to influence your views on my husband or our relationship. However, I wanted a place to talk and feel supported, so I joined a support group for people going through a separation / divorce. The first week it felt like pretty good, but maybe it’s because everyone was their best. I have to admit that the last few weeks have really not gone well. I want to reconcile with my husband. I was looking for people who could relate to what was going on to support my spirits as I waited to see what would happen to my marriage However, many of these people are preparing for divorce and are quite bitter and angry. Passing on good news that happened between me and my husband during the week, I sometimes get sarcastic comments. Someone might say ‘well, just wait’. He is just trying to be nice to you so that you will accept the divorce later. Obviously, these kinds of comments are not what I want to hear. I don’t mind expressing my fears, but I want people to try to convince me or help me see the bright side. I don’t want people to tell me that the worst case scenario is going to happen or that all separations end in divorce. That is why I did not tell some friends and family, but now I am understanding it with the support group. And yet I know I need support, so I’m not sure what to do. “
I can really relate to what you are saying. I told a few people about my own separation and really came to regret it. Some of my friends got really mad at my husband and they never got over it, even after we reconciled. By then, I had forgiven my husband for a long time and just wanted to move on. But some people would not let it pass. The point is, with some people, if you tell them about your more personal issues, you’d better be ready to talk about those same issues every time you talk to them because they want to keep bringing it up and picking up the scab. . That’s why you have to be very careful who you trust. Some people will project their own experiences and fears onto your experience and this obviously does not help you. Just because there are people in the support group who are heading toward divorce doesn’t mean you are. At some point, I had to tell people who didn’t support me that I valued their friendship, but that I needed to talk about something else. Then I looked elsewhere for support.
If you haven’t tried counseling, it is probably the best option for support. They are trained professionals whose only job is to help you. They don’t know you outside of this and therefore they won’t let other things spill into the reason you’re there. That is really the ideal scenario, but if you resist counseling, then you should choose your “trusted support person” carefully. If you really feel that the support group is not going to improve, then you want to make sure that if you decide to end this support system, you have already replaced it with a new and better one. Honestly, my ideal support person was not who I thought she would be. It was someone from work whom I didn’t know very well and maybe that helped. She didn’t have the whole story with me that some of my other friends had. And she had previously separated and reconciled, so she understood my thought process. Our interactions always left me feeling better and not worse.
I often wrote down my feelings on the weekends because I knew I needed to get them out and I didn’t have access to my best support person. I came to decide that I would rather have a journal to release my feelings than have people who do not support me make me feel worse.
It is important to remember that you can control who you allow to influence you. It is possible to politely withdraw when people are not understanding or supportive. Surrounding yourself with positivity can be very important because it’s easy to get discouraged. And it is very important to remember that people’s reactions of lack of support often have more to do with their situation than yours. They are projecting their own life and their own problems onto you, which is not fair. If the support group does not provide the support you need and only makes you feel worse, there is nothing wrong with politely seeking support elsewhere. Because support is very important, but it can be complicated and difficult to find the right and targeted person or group of people. At the same time, you don’t want to alienate family and friends, so it’s okay to just change the subject and ask to talk about something else.
