The secret of men to love women: be affectionate
It’s really no secret, but most men don’t have a clue, much to the annoyance of women. Because of the way men are ‘wired’, they seem unable to remember how to ‘court and win’ their wives and partners. And the opposite problem happens, ‘giving her sexual satisfaction’ is what kills most marriages for most men, is it a case of ‘the two will never meet’? I think there is more hope for a meeting of minds and hearts than that.
Become affectionate… most men have trouble maintaining affection for their partners/wives after the first year or two. It’s not that they don’t want to; they just don’t think that way. Men think sexually, while most women don’t see sex that simply: it’s embedded as part of a total package (intrinsically linked to affection) and need hours or even days of consideration to be “seducible”. Being affectionate with a man is the way to a woman’s heart and the way to the best sex, for her, which means it’s the best for him too.
Here are some considerations for becoming and staying more loving:
one. Hugs: Hugs are cheap and easy to give! They are definitely the number one item on the affection menu. Hug genuinely and lovingly and you’re halfway there. Most women require a dozen hugs a day, and long “body” hugs (without the expectation of sex) are definite winners. A dozen hugs may seem like overkill, try it; you may be surprised by the results.
two. Flowers: This is the traditional number one but can be expensive. Try and get colors and arrangements that show you’re thinking of her. What is your favorite flower? If you don’t know, why don’t you ask? — But he also observed.
3. manners matter: Courtesy is still important no matter how long you’ve been together. This means that if you fart, say “Excuse me” and be considerate of how you fart. It means to say your pleasures and thanks. Don’t be tempted to use your manners, let them come from you.
Four. Communicate: Talk to your spouse. Talk about your day. Talk about your day. Talk about things that interest you. Talk about the things that bring you together as a couple. Talk about your problems, but do it in a kind and caring way. Talk about her problems from the point of view of wanting to support her, not “guide” her … enter listening…
5. Listens: Active listening is difficult for most people, and this certainly applies to men, in general. Men, be disciplined to listen carefully to your partner and learn to hold your tongue when you’re tempted to interrupt. Just listen. (Active listening allows you to speak only to ask clarifying questions to help you understand and show empathy).
6. Cooking: Preparing a nice sumptuous meal (and cleaning up!) can win your wife’s heart very easily. “Sex Begins in the Kitchen!” is the catch cry and there is a good reason, as mentioned in one of the opening paragraphs.
7. seek feedback: Talk to your partner about it. Honestly ask him to rate his affection and seek feedback on where he can improve. Again, listen. Listen more than your words; also listen to what she is not saying.
8. come to blows: Besides hugs, most women love to be touched, but not in the areas of the body (or in the ways) that most men think. Usually, it’s the innocuous areas like the neck, upper and lower back, feet, and hands that get most women going; again, not in the way most men think. Spending time gently caressing a woman in this way will demonstrate genuine love for her, part of the ‘court and win’ process. Try doing this while watching a movie, attending a school concert, or even at church! (Please check that you are okay with that in public places and in front of children.)
It cannot be overly underestimated that women want a authentic man, someone who isn’t a phony! If you’re going to be affectionate, do it for the right reasons; that’s loving her like she deserves to be loved, not for sex (although you may see more/better “action” when she senses that she genuinely cares about you). Women can choose impure motives from miles away.
It is said that “the earth trembles under three things, under four it cannot stand: a servant who becomes a king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is marriedand a servant who displaces her mistress.” It doesn’t make sense for a married woman to be unloved.
Find out what works for your spouse and then just do it.
© 2008, SJ Wickham.
Acknowledgment for the key contribution to this article, and my thanks for teaching me how to be more loving, go to my wife, Sarah.
This article was inspired by Willard F. Harley’s Your needs, your needs (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House Company, 1986, 2003), pp. 30-41.
