Long-Term Abusive Relationships: When Older Women Are Abused
Many people think that domestic abuse is something that affects young people. We see images of domestic violence illustrating bruises and injuries to women in their twenties and thirties. Stories covered in the media focus on young families affected by family violence. Women beaten, thrown on the ground, ragged and raped… with bruises, welts and scares.
What about the masses of women (and men) in their 40s, 50s and 60s? Do you think that as women mature, they outgrow the chances of being in one of these nasty relationships? I do not.
In fact, I know for 20 years helping these women who suffer just like their younger counterparts. The only thing different is that they may have been in the same abusive relationship for decades…and their bruises remain dormant for years.
Domestic abuse as a norm
Their courtship may have been like that of Cinderella. She fell in love with Prince Charming and he fell in love with her. He was kind, caring, witty, intelligent, and someone she thought she could count on…
Then, shortly after their mutual engagement, things changed. At first it was subtle and difficult for her to identify, even in the context of gross displays of disrespect and violation.
These episodes were few and far between, getting buried in the business of the day. In the beginning there was a boy and a house…another boy and more house…maybe even another boy or two, along with all that life brings.
In the hustle and bustle of it all, you realize that something is not right. She doesn’t have a clear name…until the day comes when the police are at the house. They give it a name and a wake-up call begins.
Who is the victim?
He wants the police to believe that he is the victim. He can sometimes succeed in accomplishing this, but more often than not if he is playing a charade, his efforts will fail… at least with the police.
Now the marriage counselor, on the other hand, can get confused as he is so convincing in presenting his case. He even has his own wife’s head spinning as to what the hell is really going on. What remains undeniable for her is that he is becoming increasingly unhappy in her long-term abusive relationship.
She is chronically controlled and repeatedly raped. She feels oppressed, anxious and depressed. She knows that she cannot please him, although she keeps trying. So, one day she gets tired of walking on eggshells, or something may happen that wakes her up from the danger she lives in.
In that moment, she becomes a survivor as she seeks to change the dynamic of her abusive relationship. She comes out of herself and looks objectively at the rapist interaction that colors her day.
Eternal and Timeless Intimate Partner Abuse
For some of these women it has been decades. The children leave… and these abused mature women realize that they are tied to someone who demands and belittles them. They long to be honored and respected.
This becomes your inspiration for change. It occurs to them that their life moving forward in their relationship is like living with one foot in the grave. They feel dead inside. Their numbness stimulates their desire for happiness as well as peace in their lives.
